By this point in the shopping season, I’m sure that you’ve heard about, read about or seen every little tech gizmo and gadget for 2012. So this week, I want to take a different approach to Christmas gifting. Next Wednesday marks the beginning of the one-year countdown until the end of the world, December 21, 2012. Now we don’t know how the world is going to come to an end. Will it be an asteroid like the one that took out the dinosaurs? How about a nuclear winter resulting from the escalation of military action between Iran and Israel? It may start with a government takeover by the Obama administration, or alternatively, a Gingrich presidency. Of course, as avid Augusta Tek readers, I know you share my belief that ultimately Augusta is going to be overrun in a Zombie Apocalypse. (I’m sure many of you believe that it will originate from within, starting with the Commission…but that’s Austin Rhodes’ schitck, not mine.) So for this week’s column, let’s run through the top gifts for those preparing for Zombie World Domination!
The first gift is sure to get everyone in the Christmas Apocalypse spirit, It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies!: A Book of Zombie Christmas Carols. This collection of Zombie melodies includes holiday classics such as I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus and Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally. While nothing in here will actually prepare you for the end of the world, you will certainly be in better spirits when it happens. Better yet, on Amazon.com you can get this book of Zombie Christmas Carols bundled with The Zombie Night Before Christmas and Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill: A Book of Zombie Nursery Rhymes, all for less than $35 and with FREE Two-Day Shipping for Amazon Prime Members (assuming the logistics infrastructure holds out.)
OK, now to the serious stuff. Preparation for a Zombie Apocalypse begins first and foremost with The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. Published nearly a decade ago, this guide is still the “go to” book on how to survive the hordes of undead that may be stalking you right now. The book starts with zombie physiology, then covers weapons, tactics, long-term strategy and finally presents an overview of historic zombie outbreaks. The reference guide is incredibly thorough, and every course of action is analyzed in depth to ensure the reader understands the risks and benefits. The guide is on Amazon.com for $8.37, but can you really put a price on a book that will literally save your life?
One of the toughest struggles in a post-apocalyptic society is simply finding something to eat. The food production infrastructure collapses just like everything else. Supermarket shelves are cleaned out by survivors, and what is not taken eventually rots. Hunting or farming present challenges due to the possibility of contamination. Fortunately, Harcos Laboratories has developed processing techniques to extract nutrients from Zombie biology. Zombie Blood Energy Potion promises four hours of energy derived from the extra strong green Zombie cells, and with Zombie Jerky, survivors can recycle the re-dead, undead into tasty teriyaki. All 100% mutagen free! Find these products and more at www.livingwithbloodlust.com/zombie. (Hey, Zombies…How about them brains?)
The post-Zombie world will also suffer from a lack of electricity. A study shows that within 24 hours of a zombie event most portions of the United States and Canada, aside from a rare island of service in a rural area near a hydroelectric source, would be without power. Now the serious planners have already constructed survival bunkers in the outlying areas of Lincoln and Burke Counties, and those bunkers are stocked with at least a year’s supply of diesel. However, many of the living will be trapped in population centers without power. For these folk, devices like the American Red Cross AXIS TurboDyne Weather Alert Radio will be invaluable. The hand-crank Turbodyne is a powerful direct power transfer device that will charge a cell phone and the internal batteries for the radio, flashlight and emergency beacon. Even if the Apocalypse doesn’t occur in your lifetime, this device would be very useful during more mundane events like hurricanes and ice storms. Found at www.21st-century-goods.com for $69.95.
Well, of course, the list of items needed during the Zombie Apocalypse is almost endless, and all of them provide a unique and valuable Christmas experience to share with your family and friends. If you want to read more on Zombie preparedness, both the Center for Disease Control and the Red Cross have websites dedicated to the subject. Google “CDC Zombie” and “Red Cross Zombie” to read more.
Until next time, I’ll see you on the internet…tweet me @gregory_a_baker. L8R.
Staff Report from the Straight Dope Science Advisory Board. When the zombies take over, how long until the electricity fails? June 15, 2004.